今夜没有星星的闪烁 只有我一颗思念的心

那天. 爸爸把那个女人带回家了..心一阵酸痛酸痛..


不过我还是告诉自己 这是必然会发生的事情 就坦然接受吧.

其实我内心已经在翻腾 

自己怎么也不想去接受这个事实

那天晚上回来收拾自己的东西 看到了妈妈離開之前放在我房裡的康乃馨.

还有妈妈一絲絲的香水味 眼泪就止不住的往下流...

5年的夫妻. 妻子離開不到半年 

就已经做好迎新的准备.

这么多年来 妈妈是如何照顾那好吃懒做的爸爸 

创造了多少财富自己却落到这样一个下场..  婚姻早早收场 

留下个无比思念妈妈的女儿..

这一切值吗? 媽媽不能在我身邊.

压抑在内心好久的思念和悲伤又一次激发 真想时光倒流 回到从前..

妈妈,我真的好想好想你..

I Miss U Badly. Indeed.

Its alarmingly quiet in the street.

No echoes . But sound of teardrops . 

Humans aren't perfect but everyone knows relationships are like ill-fitting about beautiful shoes.

You can still walk in them and love them even if they are not a perfect fit.

You run the risk that you will never grow into them.

And theres and chance they will cripple u for life . Or maybe they are great to dance in .

 BUT LONG WALKS ALL OUT. 

Or long walks are in But dancing is out .

Or u can go ahead and do everything in them but u will have big, gapping , bleeding, blisters the next day.

   Perhaps u will develop a blinion .

And then the pretty shoes will fade and dirty as the years go by and no matter how hard u polish them u can never restore them to their positive just-out-of-the-box-state.

SO now , not only do they hurt like hell but they are starting to fall apart. And thats okay .

''YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE. SORRY.''

I will not cry . I will not cry . I will not cry .  I repeat three times . I try three times .

I bite my lips and nod like I understand every word u are saying .  

___I success. But why it hurts .___

     

我想伱 :((

I wondered where u was these days . LA ? Monaco ? New York ? Paris ? 

Apart from wonderfully extravagant Christmas and birthday presents then hardly ever heard from u. 

Your public excuse was that ur schedules were so hideous that u didn't have time for urself.

I didn't blame u : Once I escaped myself-as soon as I turned eighteen and left school-You wouldn't come back either .

But I did miss u terribly . And it was getting harder and harder to remember u . Not that visual memory had faded-far from it . 

'' The way u when u read bedtime stories u acted out all parts. Being the wolf-the granny-and cute Little Red Riding Hood. ''

 '' The way my room smelt of ur perfume. ''

'' Your exquisite clothes . ''

'' The flowers in u put in my room for decoration . ''

'' The way daddy used to smile at u . ''

'' The way u lay in bed till almost midday. ''

But all the stuff that had really mattered to me, all the stuff that had just been me and u ,

was now getting very blurry , because just after u split with daddy , u got ur big break and went to somewhere distant  miles from me .

I longed for ur return and clung the hope that u would come back , but weeks turned to months which turned to years ...
 

 

You wait me ?

I raced along the corridor to my room and flying myself one my bed. Quaking with sobs. 

   Huge gulping wails that raced my body.

          I cried until my ribs ached and I became so exhasted that the sobs were reduced to little more then hiccoughs.

I never dreamed it was possible to feel so miserable and cry so much .

This was what was meant by ' Heartbreaking' : I was sure I could feel it crocking and falling to pieces. But slowly .. eventually .. with stuttering breaths . I cried myself out .

Feeling drained and numb . I sat up on my bed . The room now in darkness . and I groped for my phone . I had to tell him the awful news that I would not be able to see him recently . I dun noe when I will go home . A lifetime away ? 

With trembling thumbs I jabbed in the text message. Telling him that I had family problems and that because of them I would not be around . I hit send and then wearily flopped back against my pillows as I waited for his response .

I would not blame him if he decided that I was not worth waiting for . 

No one would be that patient .

But if he did not wait . If he decided I was not worth it .

I would die . I knew I would .

    Slowly my feelings of loss and despair were replaced by a hatred of my family.
    What right had they treat me like this ? Didn't they know they were ruining my life ?
    I hated them . TYRANT . 
    If my mother were here she would just stop them being so beastly .
    But mummy wasn't and hadn't been for thousand years .   
 

I hate u . FOREVER

I. Start ripping my napkin into little pieces.

Which is what i always do when Im stressed.

Why do I have to put up with her constant lectures ?

I HAVE TO TELL U

''You have no right to treat me like this.''

My own father doesn't even lecture me like this.

''I have a good life.''

Then forcing a smile.

I am running in the rain back to my dorm as fast as I can .

I yank off my shirt and grab the razor.

I dun give myself to think. 

I just slice.

Blood is goshing out of my wrist so i instinctively grab a hand towel hanging near the sink.

I press it against my wound while pure terror races through my veins.

What did i do?

What did i do?

WHAT DID I JUST DO.

I stumble into the halfway toward the pay phone.

Still dutching the razor.

Dripping a trail of blood.

I hate myself but I cant stop.

I've been dumped.

Hot raging tears full my eyes and spill down my cheeks .